The Great White-Trash Ninja - Part I

This is part one of a multipart series illustrating how at a very young age I became nothing less than a full-on, phantom of the night, havoc reaping, fearless Ninja Warrior. Thus my story begins.

It is 1984, you’re nine years old, and you want to become a Ninja. You watch the popular American Ninja series, Enter the Dragon, anything starring Chuck Norris, and a host of other “training” videos to study your moves and to learn about your implements of death. Your path to becoming a Ninja requires martial arts, but let’s forget about that for now, you’ve got to get some weapons. Problem is, you are also poor white trash and couldn’t rub two nickels together if your life depended on it. Ninja weapons don’t look cheap, so like Luke constructing his light saber, you must build your own. The following is a true account of how I did precisely that. The gear:

Nunchaku (Nunchuks): First, let me say, if you call them numb-chucks…I will kill you with a throwing star. Now, we need the wood to start. I checked the shed and sized up the handles on all of the yard tools, but knew my father would end me quickly if I cut them up. So I opted for mom’s broom handle. I took a hack saw and cut two 12” lengths. I screwed a couple of eyelets into one end of each of them and then hacked off a 5” chunk of chain from the tire snow chains in the back of the Pinto. Nobody would know. I attached the eyelets to the chain but still only had a semblance of a real weapon. Then it hit me, I took the black electrical tape from the garage and wrapped each handle completely in the midnight black sheathing. I now had my first set of authentic Nunchaku.

Tri-chucks or Segmented Staff: See Nunchaku, but add a center section so that you have three sections of wood separated by two lengths of chains. You can then hold two sections and whip the third around in a tornado of death.

Bo staff: Take an entire broom handle (yes had to steal another broom) and cut off only the threads. Wrap entire length in electrical tape. Tape mod – try wrapping the handle in one direction leaving a gap between wraps, then wrap using the same technique in the other direction. A pleasing zigzag of terror is the result.

Shuko (Ninja climbing claws): Ever wonder how those Ninjas scale a building? They use climbing claws strapped to their feet and hands. This one took some ingenuity. The strapping had to be very tough as it had to support my ample, nine year old, weight. I found the perfect stuff back in that Pinto. I cut out the back seatbelt and used the material as the base for my claws. I then took the pre-mentioned hack-saw and cut two, 4 tine sections out of my dad’s metal yard rake. We didn’t rake, we didn’t mow, what the hell would we rake? I then poked four holes in the wrap that goes around the palm and pushed the rake sections through. I repeated this for the other side and I had my climbing claws. Side note: I did try to scale a brick wall, but the seat belt just folded up in my hand. This still needs a little work and I wasn’t sure where to put the electrical tape either.

Ninja Throwing Spikes: You ever throw a pencil into the ceiling? That little parlor trick originated in ancient Japan with throwing spikes. A Ninja can drop a man at 20 yards with these little beauts. Take a 16-penny nail and cut the flat part off. Strap 4 of them to your wrist with some Velcro and you’re set.

Throwing-Star: The bulk of these were made with folded paper. Not as effective as the real ones, but good for diversions. I made a real one with Swather blades riveted together. I didn’t have a riveter, so I had to smash the rivet with a large rock. This was a little bulky to throw, but very sharp. If you don’t know what a Swather is, then you didn’t grow up on a farm….click here.

Long Bow: I found a super cheap (free), yellow, plastic, re-curve bow at a yard sell that didn’t have a string, or an arrow for that matter. I found some ½” cotton rope and cut it to the proper length. I opened up the mesh and pulled out the cotton center. What was left was the stringy outer mesh, that when stretched, became the perfect bow string. All of this is so true it is scary. So I tied it to the bow and was set. The yellow color was not a problem after I wrapped the entire thing in electrical tape. I rounded up a single target arrow from a friend and shot that thing at the fence at least a thousand times.

Blow gun: We had some ½ inch aluminum pipe in the garage from something. I cut a 12” length of it and wrapped it in electrical tape. It was perfect for shooting uncooked pinto beans. I could nail you in the back of the neck from 15 feet with that thing. You would never see it coming. Whhhhpppt. Ow!

Grappling Hook: Tried and tried. This can’t be built without a welder. Sorry, no grappling hook for this Ninja…trials included bent pipes tied to string, the remains of the rake tied to string, lashed together bent pipes tied to string. Alas, I failed.

Kama (Ninja Tomahawk): I actually found a Swather blade that was welded to the end of a 12” steel rod. It was the find of the century and, when painted black, was the perfect Kama.

Manriki-Gusari (Some kind of trip chain Ninjas throw): See Nunchaku but use a 3 foot chunk of chain and little 3” handles. Throw it correctly and it will wrap around your victims feet rendering them immobile. It is almost too easy.

Tetsu-Bishi (Ninja tacks): Just use regular tacks. When used in combination with marbles, this becomes deadly. Consider an attacker chasing you. You drop a few hundred tacks with about 20 marbles behind you as you run. They hit those marbles like a wet banana peel and whoopsi-daiz, down they come on a whole lot of pain.

Tanto (Ninja knife): Any old knife becomes a Tanto when the handle is wrapped in black electrical tape. I had several. Steak knives can work in a pinch, but really try for something non-serrated if you want to stay authentic.

Bokken (Wooden training sword): Wrapping paper tubes are your best bet for this. It is relatively painless when you are a beginner and has an amazing likeness to a real Ninja sword.

Ninja Sword: I had a friend give me an old, broken, fencing sword. It was nothing like a Ninja sword except I could strap it to my back with my father’s belt and it had a straight blade. Fools may believe a Ninja has a curved sword, but the diehards know that only the Samurai had a curved blade. Ninjas, like me, use a straight blade for killin’.

I had my tools, now I needed some skills. On to the training....