The Great White-Trash Ninja - Part II

A Ninja’s training is rigorous and requires mastery over the mind, body, and spirit. As a nine year old, I broke my training into these three categories.

The Mind: As a Ninja, I had to be sharp and constantly aware of my changing surroundings. I would create exercises where I would run through a room and then write down everything I saw. Any potential hiding spots, potential points of entry and exit for me or an attacker, even the color of the towel lying across the chair were all facts that my mind must capture and assess in a flash. With a split-second glance, a Ninja must be able to completely evaluate the situation and recreate to perfection that which he just saw. Any miscalculation could result in the death of yourself or an innocent bystander. You will be battling other Ninjas remember, not your typical 3rd grade bullies.

The Body: Mastery of all of Ninja weapons is prerequisite to embarking on any umm……Ninja mission that requires a Ninja. Nunchaku was my specialty and I spent hours in the back yard perfecting my craft. The ability to strike with said weapon is really not the point. Most foes will cower in fear when they see you flip those sticks in a blur about your face, chest, neck, and head. I spun them across my legs, waist, armpits, and hands leaving some bruised flesh which, to me, were really badges of honor showing my expertise in an ancient art.

The other weapons were secondary but I did practice them all. Side note, trying to throw a Chinese Star with your toes is not as easy as it seems. Specifically, without a split-toe Ninja boot, you’re playing with fire when using sharp Swather blades for stars. Also, I’ve hacked and beaten apart countless cardboard boxes with various Ninja tools. A cardboard box when adorned with a drawn face and body becomes a very lifelike training dummy.

When conventional weapons fail, you are left with the most deadly Ninja weapon of all, your body. The knuckles must be hardened and callused so I would practice punching a wooden fence. I would focus all of my energy into the slab of my hand and practice the “Dim Mock” by breaking stick after stick, pencil after pencil, board after board. The feet and legs must be limber so I would stretch and volley a flurry of round house kicks into the air. I would punch and backhand, crouch and pose. Every digit became honed, every digit became deadly.

Reflexes are also an imperative. To hone this skill, I would go to the back yard with my brother or sister and play a deadly game of lawn darts. These are illegal now for a reason. The twist was, instead of just trying to hit the little loop, we had to catch the darts mid-flight. You learn very quickly to reach late rather than early. After this became too easy, we moved to arrows. Every quality Ninja movie shows a Ninja catching an arrow. True to form, I had a friend shoot my arrow at the fence. Using lightning speed, I would strike down with my hand and try to catch the flying spear. I don’t wish to brag as the Ninja is always humble, but I will just say that they can be caught. Don’t try this at home kids…I am a Ninja.

A Ninja must have perfect balance. To train I would study the animal with perfect balance, the cat. Note that it always lands on its feet. As an exercise, I would lie on my back and try to flip over onto all fours as quickly and quietly as possible. Further, we also had many wooden fences that I would walk across. I would run from fence post to fence post on the top rail where I would then stand and practice the infamous Crane-Kick. I would also stand on the ground and jump up onto the lower fencing rail and try to stick the landing without using my hands.

The Spirit: Mediation is a Ninjas best ally. If you were captured by, let’s say, 500 evil Ninjas (because that's how many it would take), and were subjected to torture, you must be able to step your mind outside of your body so that you feel nothing. Kuju must therefore be regularly practiced. Closing one’s eyes and meditating while making shadow puppets and gang signs is the only true way to connect with your Qi.

Now that my mind, body, and spirit form a perfect triangle of death, I have but one thing to do…put my skills to the test.