Horror-rific

I love them, my wife hates them. I’ve watched them my entire life and see pretty much every horror movie that comes out. I rarely find adults that will even sit through them. High quality, B-horror, independent swill, nothing is off limits to me. I even bought Fangoria magazine when I was a kid to give you an idea of how demented I truly was. Now, at 32, I still watch and love them, and I really have no idea why. Maybe it is my way of keeping the demons inside at bay. Maybe it is just a connection with that part of the brain that makes us stare at a car crash. Maybe I should be locked up or at least be forced to see a counselor for my many, many issues. Anyhow, here is my list of “Must See” gruesome flicks for those with a taste for gore. They are horror-rific. Muhaaahaaha.

Poltergeist – I still can’t sleep with dolls of any kind in the room. Clowns ruined for everyone forever. Worst of all, that Zelda Rubinstein is the scariest little person I’ve ever seen in my life. I still have nightmares about her….and that voice. Meatwad. Meatwad. Stay away from the light. (Just typing her name gives me the shivers)

Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) – Wow, that had some disturbing scenes, even for me…and I have no soul. Rock salt on a stump, while the guy is twisting on a meat hook? What kind of sick…

House of 1000 Corpses minus the ending – Rob Zombie had a fantastic movie going with the demented family…the ending ruined it, but the first ¾ was great. The clown guy is ridiculously foul.

Last house on the left – Many writers put this movie in their top 10 list. It was brutal for its time and still has you finishing the movie with that icky feeling. How long are you going to hold “Shocker” over Wes Craven’s head? This was good.

Halloween (2007)– Rob Zombie has an uncanny ability when depicting the lowest common denominator in society. When the stepdad comments on the stepdaughter’s “nice little dumper”, I wanted to slit his throat myself.

Jaws – You know you can’t even swim in a swimming pool at night….and it’s been 30 years.

Hellraiser – This series introduced us to the “Tortured Souls”. It is the kind of imagery that would make Satan weep.

The Shining – All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy….and those twins, come on. Kubrick is a creepy bastard.

Dawn of the Dead – The opening scene, with the neighbor girl in the hallway, good. Undead baby being born, awesome. Sniper taking shots at a zombie Rosie O’Donnell from the rooftop, Priceless. Zombie movies rock, and this is probably the best.

The Ring – That girl coming out of the well freaks me big time. And the dead girl in the closet, damn that’s nasty.

Faces of Death – These were popular when I was young. Supposedly all real stuff. Poor little monkey. If you know what I’m talking about you are a sick freak.

The Hills Have Eyes (2006) – Gotta love the deformed Cannibals, it’s a “can’t go wrong” formula, with the exception of Wrong Turn 2, that is.

Children of the Corn – Question me not Malachi, for I am the Giver of the Word!

Candyman – You know you won’t say it….look in a mirror and try.

Seven – I walked out of the theater with a dull ache in the pit of my stomach. They broke all the rules and left me furious and disgusted. Well done.

Evil Dead – Gotta give props to my boy Bruce Campbell. He is awesome. Farewell to Arms was on the nightstand, that is some funny shiznit.

Ghost Ship – The opening scene alone merits mention here. An anchor line filleting an entire dance floor? Oh my dear, sweet, feathery, Lord.

Nightmare on Elm Street – This is my number one of all time. I spent a great deal of my childhood idolizing Freddy. Every other movie in this series is laughable, but the first was excellent in every way. Don’t try to argue, it’s perfect. I’ll blog about my own Freddy gloves sometime. Yes gloves, there have been several.