Karma is a Be-otch

I finally got my due. I was busted for fireworks this year. The ironic thing is, I didn’t break any laws, I thought.

My wife and kids were out of town the week before the 4^th. They were supposed to be home by Wed. but an airline issue prevented that, so they had stay until Sunday. The 4^th was Friday night. My kids are 3 and 8 and were really excited about doing fireworks so I told them I would buy some and we would let them off when they got home. They were instantly happy, as was I. My kids are awesome and I love to see them get excited and enjoy these types of things.

Friday, the 4^th : I head to a stand and buy a meager amount of miscellaneous fireworks. I get some smoke bombs and snakes, ground bloom flowers and sparklers, and about 5 cones. I told the guy I wanted no screamers, because they scare the kids. So I don’t have much at all. That night, on the phone, I relay that the mission was accomplished and they wouldn’t miss a thing. They were thrilled.

Sunday rolls around and they fly in. Everything was pretty hectic so I tell them we should wait until Monday night so they can enjoy them.

So it is Monday night, 9:30pm. It isn’t quite dark yet, but I tell them we should get started so we don’t break the noise ordinance that goes into effect at 10pm. My wife and kids come out on the front lawn and we start our 10 min. worth of kiddie-works. Pop, fizzle…ooohh. Doesn’t matter, the kids love it. 8 min. in, a robust elderly lady rounds the corner swaddling a dog like a nursing child. Being considerate, I stop lighting off charges and wait for her to pass. I didn’t want to scare the puppy. She doesn’t pass. She stops and then instantly starts yelling at me. She barks “It is illegal to set off fireworks after the 4^th and it’s the 7^th so the 4^th is long over. My dog has to be sedated every night because of the noise. Someone is lighting off firecrackers. I have had to put up with so much of this crap.” And on and on and on and on and on. Now at first, I apologized and explained that I literally had only one cone left and we were done and that I was only doing this because of my kids missing the 4^th. I also explain that I have nothing illegal and only have these little kid fireworks, which I show to her. I’m keeping my cool in front of my kids because I know I’m not doing anything wrong. I just let her keep ranting… but she won’t stop. I understand I may be bothering you, but finish saying your piece and go. She started in again, “I don’t care anything about your kids, you stop, now. I can have the police here in no time.” So right before I black out, I just quietly say “Then go call them.” She takes my house number and walks away in a huff.

Now my kids are stressed, they don’t understand what was wrong. My three year old little boy was jumping up and down clapping a minute earlier and now we are all looking at each other and I have that heart pounding, someone is going to die feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wait for her to round the corner and light off the last cone, which none of us enjoy, and we head inside. It is now 9:45pm.

We get the kids in bed, I have my 5^th snack for the night, and then at 10:45pm I get a knock at the door. The police are there and ask me outside. They explain that they are sick of getting calls like this and start to reprimand me. I tell them that I was just looking on the internet and I can’t find any law that says you can’t light legal fireworks off on any day but the 4^th. He assures me it is illegal I the county although not technically the city and I can get a fine of up to $1000. I tell him that I kept all the spent fireworks and took the two cops around the side of my house where I had exactly 5 mini cones and a couple of spent ground bloom flowers. He looks at them and says “This is all you had?” “Well are you done?” I tell him that I was done 15min before 10pm so that I wouldn’t bug my neighbors. He says he is not going to waste any more time on this and apologized for wasting my time and disturbing me. Then he left. No fine.

Here is the irony, for probably 15 years, I not only purchased illegal fireworks, but put on displays that rivaled the Statue of Liberty show. I’ve blown up everything in the world and never been bugged by anyone. I’ve done more dry ice bombs, mortars, and m80s than the National Guard. I did stop this once I had kids…and was investigated by the ATF and OSHA, but that is another story.

I also spent the first 3 years in this house in agony because of barking dogs. They disturbed me constantly, barking all night, every night, but I never called the cops. The first time, ever, I disturb one of these bastard’s dogs…I have a cop show up. I realize she is old and lonely and isn’t happy unless she knows that one more person in this world hates her every single day. I know that she is so atrocious to live with that she even has to sedate her dog to get him to stay. I fully understand that she is a miserable person with nothing else to do, hence she stands at the window waiting for someone to bitch at. So why does she bother carrying on? Grab a hearty handful of the pill of your choice and….bottoms up.

I need to move to the country and move soon, because if I see that woman and her dog again, I can’t promise I won’t be wearing a suit made from her skin with a nice poodle pelt collar the next time you see me. The only question I will ask as she drifts off in her eternal sleep is “Was it really worth it?”

So Karma caught up with me, finally. I hope my kids don’t really have to continue to pay for the sins of the father, because if they do…my kids are in for a hell of a ride.