You want answers? You want the truth? Well then here it is. Here are some lies that all men tell. You asked for it. And men, whether directly or by omission, you are guilty, my brothers.
1)I beat Mike Tyson on Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. You lying sack. You didn’t last through the first round, because nobody lasts through the first round.
2) I used to bench 300. Unless you have lifted for quite some time, you have no concept of how much 300lbs actually weighs. I know you look at a little guy like me and say, if he pushed it, I must bench 500lbs. Go to the gym and be humbled, 99.999% of you were never even close.
3) I wasn’t in band in high school. Yes you were. I am the only person that didn’t subject themselves to band. You lugged that tuba for four years, quit denying it.
4) I don’t cheat on my Taxes. Oh ya, what about those internet purchases that you are supposed to claim for state sales tax?
5) I’ve never crapped my pants (as an adult). The average guy breaks wind about 15 times a day. Over 365 days a year, that’s 5,475 bombs a year. One of those bad boys pulled a little liquid from the rim. Besides, why else were you throwing those tidy not-so-whiteys into the dumpster outside the break room? Because they won’t flush, that’s why.
6) I don’t pee in the shower. We all pee in the shower. It saves 2 gal of water and is the “green” thing to do.
7) The condom broke. Your girlfriend didn’t get prego because of a faulty condom. They test those things with two gallons of water. I’m afraid your little “release” didn’t even fill the reservoir tip. You barebacked it, just admit it.
8) I’ve never tried on a women’s underwear. They are silky and sexy and feel wonderful. You had to try it..you know you did.
9) I have never seen porn, it’s gross. Ya, all those hot naked women performing acts we all dream about with lots of other naked hot women just make me sick. Who do you think you are talking to?
10) I’ve never pleasured myself. I have a friend at work that is over 40 and claims never, ever, not even once, ever, even accidently have a misfire. He said, and I quote “I don’t even think I would know how to do it.” Shut your filthy lying mouth. I’ve been set-off by a bumpy car ride…and you have too.
11) I don’t drink and drive. Every one of you SOBs that drink, drink and drive. Designated driver my ass.
12) Honey, your pet ran away. Nope, it died. You just didn’t want to tell the kiddies. You buried it, flushed it, put it in a baggy and stuffed it in the trash, either way..you were an accessory.
13) I’ve never sniffed panties. I have never done this, but I know you have….Sicko.
14) I’ve never tucked my penis back between my legs to see what I would look like as a girl. We all saw Silence of the Lambs and stood in front of a mirror in the days following and pulled the old tuck and roll. If you put on lipstick while doing it, you need to be in a hospital.
15) I’ve never cut up an old pillow case to make it into a makeshift loin cloth and then after everyone left the house tore off all of my clothes, put on the loin cloth, and run around with an invisible hatchet attacking the imaginary villagers. Come on…fess up.
5 comments:
Funny stuff, thanks for your comments, you are so right about what guys do, they just don't get caught doing them very often. Have a great holiday weekend.
You sir are a genius. This is some funny shit. The guy at work, that's classic. Every day 12 year old boys figure out the joy and guilt that comes with pulling your pud. Jeeez.
check...check..and check. Done and done. Except the pillowcase one..where did you dig that one up?
And by the way...I've never looked at you and thought "little."
First of all you are one freaky freak! Second how can you comment on so many things you have never experienced but probably wished you had.....judge not my friend.....TMI
Dont forgot that everyone averages 300 yards driving off the Tee Box golfing, o and everyone can run a mile in 4 minutes. and everyone can burp the alphabet backwards in spanish, ok that is mine and it is true!
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