Bigfoot has been found!

Well, it is official. Bigfoot has been found and currently resides in redneck’s freezer. He is always in the last place you look. The undeniable photographic evidence shows a 7 foot 7 inch 500 pound Bigfoot stuffed in a small chest freezer. I say small chest freezer because a second picture later released shows three 5’5” studs standing next to it, and the freezer is pretty much dwarfed. That makes sense though, because you can really fold up the big guy, especially after the rigor mortis sets in. The other interesting part of the photo is the fact that it says it is a picture of a thawed Bigfoot. Correct me if I am wrong, but does thawed mean it was frozen, but now is not? Doesn’t the freezer do the freezing? …and it is still in a freezer, as we can see. I know people get that word mixed up. I can’t tell you how many times I have had to murder someone because they asked me to dethaw something from the freezer. It is already frozen moron, if I dethaw it, it only becomes more frozen. That’s right, more frozen, it gets way colder when you put it back in the freezer. Sorry, I digress, one may want to keep that bad boy on ice though, cause he is gonna be a little ripe if you keep him thawed. I included the pictures below.













The three geniuses had a press conference on Friday where they had planned to release the DNA testing results proving the rolled up carpet with a Chewbacca mask stuffed in a freezer is really a Sasquatch, but it seems the data wasn’t quite ready. Surprise, surprise. More info was uncovered though as they now say that they had a camcorder with them on their hike and they have some video proof of a family of Bigfeet…Bigfoots…Bigfooties that actually stalked them. I was a skeptic before, but after seeing a photo released from this footage, I am a believer. I am a little ashamed to admit that after seeing the freezer photo and reading the size specifications, I was worried they had actually accidentally bagged Patrick Ewing.

Anyhow, click HERE for the remarkable photo of one of the stalking creatures that puts a big foot in the mouth of all skeptics.

Feeding the Ducks - Karma is a Be-otch 2

If you have read some of my other blogs you already know that I used to be a hunter. Duck hunting was probably my favorite, but I killed pretty much anything. The killing has mostly stopped, but Karma has kicked in again and my kids and I are paying for it in little ways.

I took my kids to the park the other day to feed the ducks. We took some bread and strolled down to the water where we threw out chunks to the overstuffed fat mallards and the strange looking mixed breeds that after years of hunting, I can’t even identify. My kids were loving it, laughing and giggling as they watched the little vacuum bills suck up the goodies. I think it is great because we are so close to them and the kids can really get a good look at them. The colors were bright even for the time of year. No eclipse drakes here (for the hunters out there).

Then it happens…again. Some old couple comes up to us with a disgusted look on their faces and start yelling at me and the kids. “Why are you doing that? That kills the birds. Feeding them causes them to stay here and rely on people for food. It screws up their migration. Don’t you know the damage you are doing?” My kids are scared and confused but I listen, gritting my teeth, begging them to leave in my mind, before the demons come out. Again, my kids are there, so I apologize quietly. Satisfied that my children were sufficiently saddened and I was adequately reprimanded, they walk off so very proud. My hands are shaking and all I can see are crosshairs on the back of their heads as they leave. I wanted to say so much, but I couldn’t in front of my kids. I am proud to say, that on occasion, I maintain my self control. Here is what I should have said.

“I hate ducks and plan to feed them to death with bread and grains and maybe even corn….the primary crops they feed on in Idaho anyhow, but I’ll feed them until they burst. It will be fantastic and messy at the same time.”

“The bag limit for hunting ducks in Idaho is 7/day for the three months of hunting season. I hunted for 15 years which equates to thousands of dead ducks by my hands. (Raising the bread) Here is to a thousand more. “

“Have you ever wrung a wounded ducks neck? You hold it by the head and swing the body around very hard and fast until the neck breaks. It is the humane thing to do when you only wound one. Let me demonstrate, it may be a little trickier with a healthy one.”

“I plan to kill these ducks in a couple of months, it is only right that I fatten them up first.”

“You think the bread is going to kill them? Nah, it is the Cyanide I laced it with.”

“Do you know what else screws up their migration? 4-shot travelling at 2200 feet per second.”

I understand that these people thought they were helping the planet and the ducks, but leave me and my kids the hell alone. If they knew the cold blooded damned killer they were talking to, they really wouldn’t be bugging me about feeding the ducks. Trust me, you want me feeding the ducks and trying to be a good dad with my kids. I know the other guy. The one I used to be. The one that is lying just underneath the skin. If he comes out, the only comment the coroner will have for their family is…..”They probably would have lived, if he hadn’t gutted them.”