EBay Ruined Everything

I used to be a collector, a psycho really. I loved the hunt, the acquisition, and the placement of the piece in my collective puzzle. I collected toys and sports cards. Don’t say it, I know. So when EBay came around, I was thrilled. No longer was I confined to local shops, the world was opened like monstrous floodgates and I was there for the buying. I filled my collections, found the impossible to find, and watched as package after package of the previously impossible was delivered right to my door. Oh I paid handsomely for much of it, but it was worth it. It was a passion and an investment, well come to find out, a passion anyhow.

Then came the problem. Those flood gates were opened up to everyone else too. Before, if you walked into a card shop and found a Jerry Rice rookie card on the shelf, it was quite a find. You had to find the shop and be lucky enough to find the card there too. Now, everyone’s PC was linked to the same shop and there were always 20 or so of every rookie card always on the shelf. All of the sudden, it wasn’t that great of a find because they were always available. Owning the card wasn’t enough. You needed it in pristine shape, with the picture centered and the borders square. Mint didn’t mean mint any more. Mint had ridiculous requirements, and the near mint became worthless.

This happened with all of the collectable toys too. As EBay got bigger, everything became more and more available and hence more and more worthless. I have thousands of cards that literally are worth less than the paper they are printed on. I don’t see that ever changing in my lifetime. All of my toys are just toys, despite the amount I paid under the pretense of collecting. They are worth less than they were when you could find them on every Kmart shelf. Thank you, EBay.

Go take a look, even the most coveted collector's items in history are all sitting on EBay right now waiting for a bidder. Mickey Mantle rookie, there are three for sale right now. Go get one. Your Terry Bradshaw rookie you have been keeping for the last 30 years is worthless, because it is considered C8+ grade as the manufacturer didn’t get the card cut exactly right. Your card protector is worth more than the card in it.

EBay is a cruel mistress. I thought it was the greatest thing a collector could ever want, but by its very nature, it killed collecting. Oh, don’t get me wrong, they had help. George Lucas did his part too.

Damn You Vacuum Man!

Five years ago I needed a new vacuum cleaner for the house, so I start checking the local stores to find something to replace the ol’ Phantom Fury. After talking with a friend, I head down to a little, independent vacuum salesman with a tiny shop in the worst part of town. When your vacuum dealer is wedged between an auto body paint supply and a pawn shop, and across the street is the porn store, you might want to keep driving. Nonetheless, I stop and head inside to see what he has.

I couldn’t imagine what this guy could offer because, let’s just say, if he sells one vacuum every week, he is probably ecstatic. I find a Hoover and he sells me on the 5 years of free bags and 2 years of in-house warranty including free belts. Free belts?...You kidding me? He is also a repair man, so I think it might be nice to have a local place to drop it off if we have problems. Plus, 5 years of bags? That is a whole lot of free bags. (BTW: He strongly opposed the bagless vacs and I listened.)

I head up to the counter and pay and then ask for my bags. Then it hits he…he has no intentions of giving anyone 5 years of bags, and here’s why. He hands me a little punch card with 10 circles on it. In order to get your free bags, you must come in for a single package every six months. My months were Jan. and July. If you don’t come in during those months, in the years indicated on the punch card, you are out of luck. Further, he will keep no record of your purchase, so you must have the original punch card to get your bags. I’ve already paid, but am a little angry that he is setting up a seemingly impossible scenario.

How often do you think about vacuum bags? Can you keep a punched business card for 5 years? Of course not, nobody can…but me. I decided right then and there that this guy wouldn’t beat me. He sold on me on something and then, like mail-in rebates, set up so many hoops to jump through that nobody could negotiate successfully. He had no idea who the hell he was dealing with.

So my wife and I make a vow right then and there to beat the vacuum man. We had our months marked and took in that raggedy little punch card every 6 months for 4 ½ years. We had some close call, hitting the last week, if not the last day of the month. I could see the disgust in this eyes every time we walked in for free bags and didn’t buy a thing. It was a thing of beauty. I had him on the ropes, we were so close.

But alas, we lost. Yesterday, August first, my wife calls me in horror.

“I forgot the vacuum bags” is all she says. She didn’t have to remind me that July was our month, gone, never to return, no more bags for you.

“Nnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” I shriek, as the receiver drops from my shaking hand.

The vacuum bag Nazi won. He knew it the whole time. Game over.

Vacuum man, I’ll see YOU in HELL!

Inventions

Several close friends and family members know about some things that I have invented. By invented, I mean that I came up with an idea on my own, but others obviously had similar ideas as many were and are currently available. A have a couple more that will likely go commercial by someone else leaving me with regret and that “I should have tried to sell that” feeling. Also, because of personal beliefs, I couldn’t go public with a couple of excellent ideas that I know would have made me money….and I thought really hard about it too. I will leave it at that, but let’s just say they would have been marketed on some pretty scandalous web sites and I wouldn’t have wanted to tell anyone that the ideas came from me. Here are some other gems.

1) Topsy Tail – I don’t know if you remember this, but it was a little plastic loop that allowed you to take a pony tail and flip it back inside itself. I did this with my sister’s hair and a makeshift Topsy Tail approximately 2 years before we saw it on TV. I was a kid but actually thought that it would be a cool hair thingy to be able to buy. It made plenty of money.

2) Camping Totes – I thought someone should just compile camping necessities in an easy tote and just market the entire thing. Then, when you head out, you don’t need to do anything but grab the tote, and you never forget anything. Several years after this idea, which was really just a marketing idea, I walked into a sporting goods store and saw exactly this. I missed again.

3) A buddy and I wanted to sell a daily calendar that had funny names for sexual positions like “The Ultimate Warrior”, “The Stranger”, or “Ruty, Tuty, Fresh, and Fruity” on each day and have the definitions on the back. We know it would have been huge for college kids and guys in general. This one almost went to fruition, but we both had second thoughts about making bank on some pretty nasty stuff. A couple of months ago, we saw it in a store.

4) CPCs – Cotton Penis Caps. Women have no understanding of this, but after a man urinates, there is often a little drip left which can cause an embarrassing wet spot in the front of the pants. Dockers are the worst. I’ve tried tapping, shaking, wiggling, flicking, milking, and nothing seems to fix this. You think you are done, put it away and boom, wet spot. So we could really use a little manpon of sorts to block the floodgates. I haven’t seen this on the market and the details aren’t worked out, but I could really use a little capper.

5) Wet wipes for adults – A buddy and I discussed this because let’s be honest, if you got feces on your hands, you wouldn’t just wipe it off with a dry paper towel and go about eating your sandwich. ‘Nuff said. I hear they have this now too. BTW…Clorox wipes should NEVER be used for this. Wow, that stings.

6) Doughnuts filled with Soft Serve Ice Cream – If people buy deep fried Twinkies, they will buy hot, fresh doughnuts filled with soft serve. I haven’t seen this yet, but a county fair would be a great starting place to market it.

7) Handimals – I thought kids might like little animal puppets that had individual finger slots for the legs where the body rests on top of the hand. I did some searching and found that this had already been marketed and was actually called Handimals as well. Missed another one, name and all.

I realize that I have given away a couple here, but I have to be honest with myself, I will never do anything with them. I’ve proven that over and over. If you do perfect the CPC, let me know and I’ll buy some. These are just a sample of some of the stupid things I come up with. If you think these are all lame ideas please remember that the only difference between a stupid idea and an ingenious one is the amount of money it makes.

May I help you?

I really hate to sound like the old grandpa that says “Back in my day people were polite, they believed in hard work, and the customer was always right.” I’m only 32, but wow, grandpa was right. Have you been to a store lately? I am stunned at the lack of customer service everywhere.

Here is a little background info. I worked as a counterman and delivery boy for about 8 years at a couple of different auto part stores. I worked with the public, mechanics, vendors, drivers, etc. This is a few years back, but my wage never exceeded $6.50/hr. so it is not like I made any money. Still, I always tried to help the customer, greeted them, thanked them, and generally tried to do my job.

Flash forward a few years and I walk into Autozone to pick up a generic door handle or something. I am happy to see they carry the same line of accessories that I used to sell, so I know what is available. The shelf is empty so I go to the counter. The two people working the counter are talking with one another and make me wait literally 5 min. until they finish their personal conversation to help me. When I tell them what I want, they tell me which isle to check. I inform them that it isn’t in stock. They look in the computer and say they don’t make it. I ask if they have a catalogue because I know right where it is if they will let me look. They reiterate that the computer shows nothing. I reiterate that I know it is available for special order and I see the book right there behind them. In anger and disgust they tell me I am wrong and say “Sorry, I don’t know what to tell you.” I leave, angry.

Next, I need a little piece of vacuum hose. Because Autozone hasn’t been the best, I go to a Shuck’s. I walk in with hose in hand and wait for 15min this time for the man to finish with the person in front of me. On at least 5 occasions he looked up at me and what I had in my hand. 15min. later, when it is my turn, I take two steps forward and he says “Nope, dealer item.” Thanks, you could have said that 15 min. earlier. Never-the-less, I ask if I can look at their vacuum hoses, he says nope, we have nothing like that. I say, “You don’t have bulk vacuum hose?” He says, “Well, yes..but not that size.” I point to the exact size that they do have and I need five feet behind him and he angrily goes back to cut me some. Now I am holding a 6 inch piece of hose. He says, how much do you want? I hold up the hose and say “This much”. He says, “Sorry, we can’t sell anything less than one foot”…. and starts to walk back to me like I am going to leave. What the hell? So I say, “Then I guess I will take a foot.” Again, visibly angry, he walks back over, chops off a foot of it and then throws it at me. I go up and pay feeling like a jack ball, an angry jack ball.

So these are just a couple of examples at auto part stores, but it seems to be everywhere. There is no pride in work, no more “Thank you” at the end of transactions, no acknowledgment that a customer is standing two feet away waiting for help. What is going on?

Last week, a lady waited on my wife in Wal-Mart…I know, I know. She was filthy. Stained shirt (new spaghetti over old grime), greasy- uncombed hair, and reeking of cabbage and salted meats. I’m talking worse than disgusting, and she was handling our food. You can be the poorest piece of mountain trash in Boise and still be reasonably clean.

I won’t even go into the customer service at Circuit City, if you have ever walked in those doors, you know.

So, I have a message for all of you people that work with the public daily. I don’t care that you only make minimum wage. I don’t care that you still live at home at the age of 40. I really don’t care that your girlfriend was out with your brother last night and you are in a bad mood. When I pay you, say “Thank you”, for your company’s sake. When I stand next to you with that inquisitive look on my face, say “May I help you?”, and make it sound like you are not frustrated with the question. Finally, when I ask you something you don’t know, ask someone else, don’t feed me a line of crap that you don’t have it because this is frickin’ Wal-Mart. You have everything.