I was once one of you people. You are the non-tippers, the ones that know not the math, etiquette, or rules when tipping. A friend of mine schooled me a few years ago after watching me embarrass myself and insult waiter after waiter. He reminisced about the many benefits of waiting on the public at a popular steak house while going to school. I don’t know if the sarcasm bled through in that list line, but besides “Cop a Feel Friday” there is nothing redeeming about slinging steaks and “poppin” taters. Add the fact that the restaurant can pay you less than the pittance that is minimum wage and you are basically a wrist waiting to be opened.
Basic tipping: I thought the rule was 10% minimum and 15% if you were pleased. Please, it’s 2008. 15% minimum, 20%+ if you were pleased..and if she is attractive and attentive and she’s wearing.…I digress…open wallet, invert, shake, and then get the hell out. She has another group waiting on that table you have been hogging for the last hour while chit-chatting and getting your fifth refill, you coffee lush.
Advanced tipping: Now is where it gets tricky. Suppose you brought in that 90% off coupon you tore out of the Super Saver last Sunday. You burp up a little ranch dressing as the waitress smiles and drops off the bill for that single meal you shared with your wife and three kids. Sweet, they had free bread to start and the little ones fill up quickly. You hand her a wadded-up coupon and ask if you can use it for the meal. She takes it and walks away burning your face into memory. You’re getting a little something extra in your loaded baker next time. So, what do you do? The total, after discount is $3.59..cause you had water. I’ll tell you. You pay the tip on the cost of the meal PRIOR to the discount!
Group tipping: If you have the unmitigated gall to ask her to split the bill after she has already rung up the order, every one of you bastards better round up your tips individually. That means no change, if 20% of your portion is $1.47..you’re dropping a two-bill…each!
I eat out every day for lunch and continually watch my fellow engineers, managers, and even millionaires shaft the help. I end up doubling my tip to compensate and it needs to stop. It seems that income is inversely proportional to tipping, in my experience. If you can get through senior level physics, you can do a little math. If you can’t, that cell phone strapped to your utility belt probably has a tip calculator too. If you didn’t know before, you know now. So drop another buck you cheap bastard….Karma alone is worth that.
4 comments:
I'm so glad that we're on the same page with this. I'm sorry that this has also cost you thousands of dollars.
My wife use to stiff the waiter/waitress 100% of the time. She said it was to "motivate them to get a better job". I on the other hand are torn from the same ratty cloth you are, and the mere thought of under-tipping, let alone not tipping, makes me sick. I wonder though, how much do you tip at an all-you-can eat buffet, where you pay with your card in advance, and you or your lunchmates have no extra cash? Just curious.
Wow! You called the Waitress "The Help". Ouch.
Who said waitress you sexist...and if calling the waiter "the help" is politically incorrect and offensive in your book...you are reading the wrong blog.
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